Can I speak from my heart for a minute?
You know, I was gonna go on a long ass rant about how my work softball team has it's first game scheduled during the Redskins vs. Giants season opener. But then I came across a blog I had written about 2 years ago in tribute to my father, the late Joe Carter Sr. who passed away 5 years ago. So please bare with me, because it's 12:20am and I just feel the need to write.
I'm not normally an emotional person, especially when it comes to my personal emotions. I tend to sheild them, I don't always like to show them. However, as I stated earlier, I read this old blog in-which I opened up and just typed how I felt ... and it seriously broke me down. I got to thinking about how much my father meant to me, and still means to me. Thinking about what my mothers, both of them, mean to me. Thinking about what the people in my life mean to me. So, I called my sister, it's a little late to call my big sister (who has a husband and kids) and told her I love her. She returned the love and asked me what was wrong. I put on my biggest "big boy" voice, tried once again to hide it, and said, "I'm doing well Aisha, how are you? Just wanted to call you." She wasn't convinced, and my sister who knows me better than anyone on this Earth could possibly know any other human being, said, "Joey(that's what my family calls me), I can hear it in your voice what's wrong?".
I couldn't hold it in, and just sort of let go and talked to her about how I was feeling. I was so choked up she could hardly hear me, I was talking about how things got brought back up and it was just hitting me like a ton of bricks. I talked about the amount of work I have on my plate with a small business I help run, and how we have to make things work or else we could be screwed. How I started to think about the rocky roads my dad and I went through with each other, eventually mended the fences about 2/3 weeks before he passed, and really made sure we both knew we loved and cared about each other. I remember saying to her, "I just want him to be proud of me". I know you didn't ask for all of this, and I'm sorry, but like I said, I'd rather be sleep right now but sometimes you gotta write. She and I talked for a good ten minutes, and Aisha being the good big sister that she is, helped me to feel better. We got off the phone, and now here I sit. Fingers perched atop a keyboard, typing whaever comes to mind.
"How do I know what I think until I see what I say?"
—E. M. Forster
To be honest, I don't even know where I wanted to go with this, this is more a random stream of thought. But I think what I really am trying to say is that life's short. I'm greatful that my father and I came to terms with each other, and really put the trouble behind us. I can't help but get a sinking feeling in my stomach when I even just think about how I'd feel had we not made amends and he had passed. We spend our lives trivializing little things that don't really matter, and forget the people that are important to us. Let's not forget to take a break from and call someone, say you love them, say you care about them, or whatever it may be. Because one day the opportunity to say it wont be there. This life is not promised and someone can be taken away from you as quickly as it takes to get home from calling to ask them if they wanted anything from the store just a few blocks away.
Thanks for letting me do this.
Goodnight.